I'm sitting here bawling. Bawling like I'm watching my own 6-year-old's funeral on CNN. As I heard the names being read by the President, he said one name that especially hit me hard...Jack. That could be my 6-year-old Jack. Perhaps that why it is so hard. So raw. So horribly unimaginable. We've all seen way too many of these awful mass shootings in other cities. Cities that could be our own small towns, but still far enough away that they thankfully are not. But this Shady Hook Elementary shooting hurts the most to me. Not sure if it is because I have a 1st-grader. Or if it is because this time the majority of the victims were our youngest, most fragile and innocent citizens.
It took every ounce of my being to avoid my motherly instinct that compelled me to rush to my kids' schools to pick them up the moment I heard of this terrible tragedy on Friday. And it will take every bit as much courage to drop them off tomorrow and the rest of this week.
As I try hard to look for the good in every situation, hearing the stories of the heros is what lifts me up. The teachers and administrators that fought to protect their children by shielding them with their bodies, hiding them in cupboards, barricading them in closets, whispering that they loved them in the darkest moments or pursuing the mad man in an effort to stop him. They were just doing their job. Doing the only thing that they knew to do in that situation. I imagine that as much as they comforted those little ones, they felt comfort in them. The first responders that witnessed unspeakable horrors in the wake of the murders. The children that helped other children get out safely or those that lightened the mood with their innocence as children do in tough situations. They are all heros.
As a parent, I find myself more often than not needing a manual for life's toughest questions. I wanted to address what happened in Newtown with my kids, but I didn't want to scare them. I didn't want to be graphically descriptive with them, or instill any fears that this might happen at their school. I didn't want to raise them to be paranoid or recluses, but I do want them to be aware and be smart. Our own neighborhood has had a rise recently in crime – break-ins and burglaries – as many neighborhoods do around the holidays. A house not too far from here had an incident where their doorbell rang. The 9-year-old daughter answered the door to a man pointing a gun at her. She screamed and luckily the gunman ran off. I feel that it's utterly ridiculous that I had to have a conversation with Jack today about what to do if anyone ever points a gun at him. Scream, yell 9-1-1, run away. I went over what to do scenarios if someone tried to take him. Kick, scream, scratch, hit, bite...do whatever it takes to get away. I went over what he should do if someone broke into our house. Places to hide if he couldn't get to me or get away. How to make sure he got his sister to hide with and to make sure that she got out of harms way. How to get out of the window and climb out on the roof if there was a fire. I went through all of the scary scenarios a parent could imagine for my own peace of mind. I realize that bad things have always happened, even when we were kids, but access to that information was limited before the Internet came into existence. At least we are aware and can prepare our children should bad things happen to them. But sometimes it seems better to be blissfully ignorant of life's evils.
With Christmas upon us, we are reminded to be thankful of each blessed day that we are gifted. We are reminded of the real heros in life. Real heros are our teachers, police officers and first responders. Real heros are the parents that endure the loss of a child. Real heros are those that help heal the ones that are hurting the most. Real heros are friends and neighbors that offer up financial and emotional support to those in need. Real heros are the children that sacrificed their lives for a country to realize that we needed a change – change of policies, procedures, laws and access to mental health care.
As I prepare tomorrow to send my babies off to school, I won't show my stress or agony over this decision to them. But inside, know I will be crying, scared and anxious. President Obama was right when he told the town of Newtown that they weren't alone in their grief. We are all grieving over these family's losses and grieving over what they have had to endure and will endure in the coming weeks, months and years. In my own way of coping with this horrible tragedy, I will do what I can to heal. Whether it is putting on a brave face to send my kids back to school. Saying thank you to my kids' teachers and administrators for all they do. Looking at the faces of the victims and pray for them and their family's healing. I will pray for Newtown and I will pray for our country. I will pray that I nor my kids will ever have to deal with such unspeakable scenarios and I will kiss their precious heads, telling God how grateful I am for them each and every day. I will write a blog documenting these emotions to make myself feel better and so I never forget not to take life for granted. I will leave you with these touching images from Getty {scroll down to the bottom}...
Wow. What a post Shannon. So well written!
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